Why I stopped writing...

When I stopped allowing myself to truly feel my emotions is when I stopped writing. I've never liked to open up to people because I felt like a burden, so I held everything in and journaled. I would pour my soul onto paper night after night and feel so refreshed. No emotion, no event, no conversation was left unchronicled. 

Over the years I've had my journals read by people close to me (both accidentally and on purpose) and used against me. That created an anxiety towards something that once helped to rid me of my anxiety. Even recently I would collect journals but rarely write because I was afraid that someone would read them. I was afraid they would judge me or react to my emotions negatively.

I'm done.

No more anxiety. No more fear. No more withholding. No more writers block. No more caring-what-someone-may-think-IF-they-ever-saw it.  

Writing is for me. Writing keeps me (mostly) sane. Writing is what I love and crave. 

So I will write. 

I will write and write and write until my fingers fall off or I fill up all of my journals and can't find anymore. I won't be anxious and I won't hold back. This is my life. If you want me to write nice things about you then act accordingly. 

If anyone else has been feeling this way, even if your outlet isn't writing, don't stop! Express yourself. Write, draw, paint, sing, dance, do sudoku or take photographs. Whatever you love to do to relieve stress, DO IT! 

How do you relieve your stress? Comment below and let me know.

~Tea

Monday Motivation: Start your week off right!

With my first semester of Grad school finally finished I am so excited to get back to this blog and what better way than talking about one of my favorite days!

Monday is one of my favorite days because it brings a new week with endless possibilities. Monday means 7 whole days to advance yourself and your life/career. Anything negative that happened last week, leave it there. Think of Monday as a fresh start. If you tried something new last week and it didn't work out, try something else this week. Have you been waiting to start a new hobby (or get back to an old hobby)? No better day than Monday to implement new changes.

Here are some of the things I do to start my week off with a bang:

1. To Do Lists

I am a chronic list maker. I makes lists for everything and the gratification from crossing things off of my list and watching it dwindle down is the best.

2. Daily Websites I check:

The Muse- I go here for career advice, resume tips, interview tips, everything career related.

LinkedIn- LinkedIn is to adults what Facebook is to adolescents. If you don't have one, MAKE ONE!

Huffington Post- I like to keep abreast on the daily happenings in the world. This app is everything.

Twitter- Of course I have to check my social media also. Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, all of it.

Blackboard- As an online student this is essential to check...multiple times a day.

3. Plan my Book(s) of the Week:

I am getting back into the habit of reading daily. As a child I used to read so much that once my mom grounded me by taking away all of my books and forcing me to go outside You would have thought she killed my puppy by the hissy fit I threw (like the typical 13 year old that I was Smh) . Fast forward to now and I have a huge collection of books waiting to be read. Pictured above are what I am currently reading and also my Nook in case I want to indulge in an e-book.

4. Check Important Dates:

I like to make sure I have all of the important dates for the week written down and posted somewhere that I can see . I may even post it in several places if I know I have a particularly hectic week coming up.

5. Tidy up:

I am a firm believer that an uncluttered space = an uncluttered mind. Sunday night or Monday when I get off of work I take a few moments to tidy each room in my apartment. It doesn't have to be scrubbed clean but I just make sure that everything is in it's rightful place. During the week I try to tidy up nightly before I go to bed. If it's gets messy again, OH WELL! I do my best but nobody is perfect so I don't let it discourage me. If I'm working late on homework I may forgo tidying up until the next morning.

Mindset determines mood. When I used to loathe Mondays it would always start my week off on the wrong foot. Once I started embracing the new week and all that it has to offer things changed. Perhaps writing everything down and planning it all out also helped but who knows. Moral to this blog: Mondays Are Awesome!

Comment below and tell me what you love about the start to a new week.

  ~ Tea

Her

Do you ever feel like nothing you do or

Say will ever be enough?

Like you will never be

Smart enough, articulate enough,

Cultured enough, considerate enough,

Just plain enough...

What if there was some one out there

Who made you feel like you are enough?
One day she came along and
Changed everything...changed you.

Her gaze said "You are pretty enough".

Her laugh said "You are funny enough".

Her side eye said "You are sarcastic enough"

Without crossing any lines.

She slowly began to break down your

Walls and eradicate your inhibitions. 

General laughter became inside jokes 

And terrible, "y'all make me sick" pet names.

Friendly, "Hello. How was your day?"

Became "OMG I'm having a melt down"

And being each other's Iyanla.

You can't quite remember the day that

You began to fall for her. 

All you know is that you fell.
You fell hard and fast without ever looking back
And learned what it truly meant to love her.

Every smile, every look, every

Dimple and every freckle, 

You

      Love

              Her.

With her you finally are

Enough.

10.16.14

12:30am

Dedicated to V ❤️

~Tea

Now: Sept. 2013 Poem Just Because

* written during my many mornings of insomnia rambling *

I Promise

I promise my love to you
In more ways than one.
I promise not to be dramatic
Or exaggerate the small things.
I promise to stand up when the time calls
And not be any one's doormat.
I promise to always look my best
As we are reflections of each other.
I promise to always care
Even when my demeanor doesn't show it.
I promise to tolerate your Redskins
Even though I know the Cowboys are better.
Lastly, I promise to give you all of me
Uncensored, uncut, all of the time, me.
So even when we argue
Or when you may be frustrated,
Remember these promises to you
And remember I love you.

- Sept 29, 2013 3:10am

~Tea

Then: Sept. 2005 creative writing assignment 10th grade

* assignment was to write 12 things I don't understand*

I Do Not Understand

I Do Not Understand
Why you caused me such pain
Why you screwed me in the brain
Why you caused me to go insane.

I Do Not Understand
Why you caused my soul to bleed
Why you took advantage of me
Why you left me in need.

I Do Not Understand
Why you abused me everyday
Why I was used and raped
Why you treated me like a dog that had to obey you.

I Do Not Understand
What caused you to lie,
Why you "love me" yet wanted me to die.
Why you got off on my tears as I cried.

I Do Not Understand
The lying and the cheating,
The rapes and the beatings,
Why I tried to kill myself and you were the reason.

But what I DO understand
is that I am more deserving
and worthy of love and respect.
That my body is mine
and I'm tired of the lack
of kindness and joy
in my days.

But you need to understand
That I am going to be okay!

-Sept. 27, 2005 8:15am

~Tea

Those Moments

In my most quiet of moments
it is your voice that speaks
your touch that engulfs me
and your love that adorns me.

It is in the heart of those moments
that I feel...peace.
All of my stressors and triggers
evade my mind.
No negativity can penetrate
the power of those moments
and return my thoughts to their
original dark state.

It is in the heart of those moments
that I feel...safe.
I can do anything
become anything
and know that if I ever falter or fall
you will always be there
to pick me up, nurse my wounds
and encourage me to try again.

It is in the heart of those moments
if only for a moment
when in the private comfort
of my own mental safe haven
I feel...
Happy.

~Tea

What Have I Been Up To?

You may be wondering where have I been, or you may have not even noticed that I have been absent. Either way, I’M BACK! Also, I do have a new URL and layout. A lot of things in my life are changing and I want my blog to reflect those changes. That being said, there will be a slight redirect to the overall theme of my blog. It’s going to be more lifestyle/life lessons and about me being 24 years old, moving from just outside of  Washington DC into the actual city, and living life. I’ll still share my writings from time-to-time, so no worries in that department.

One of the biggest changes recently was me getting a new job. The first year after graduating college is always the hardest in terms of figuring out what would be a good professional fit between college and grad school. Your 20’s are for exploring life, finding yourself, what makes you happy, and what you want to spend the rest of your life doing. I don’t have it fully figured out yet but I’m getting there. Accepting a job in the city was only the first step.

Speaking of steps, I GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL! After months of preparations and waiting everything has come together. The waiting process felt never ending. Now accepted it’s only a matter of “Is this the right decision for the rest of my life”? Grad school is the next step in having a career which will define what I do with my life until I retire. It’s a stressful decision to make, but I’m confident that I made the right one.

With all of this change happening, I’m also going to be moving next month. There are so many opportunities for employment and internships in the city that it seems like a natural move for me to make right now. The further I move from my birth state the more I learn that home is truly wherever I decide to make it.

My first summer in the city is sure to be filled with some unforgettable moments that I will be sure to share. Before getting settled in the city, however, I’m making a trip back to my home state for a much needed vacation. I’m from a little country town on the panhandle of Florida, but I’ll be traveling to the typical tourist spots for a change and then packing up and moving to D.C. I’ll still be living below the Mason Dixon line but having lived in the deep south for majority of my life, the Nation’s Capital isn’t exactly "southern" to me. None-the-less, I’m definitely ready bring some southern sunshine to the Capital City! Until Next time,

~Tea

Don't let it define you

Some say that we choose our emotions. But what happens when you can't? Imagine not being in control of yourself both mentally and physically.

Your heart pounds so hard and fast that you think it may explode.

Your breath gets caught in your throat choking your words along with it.

You feel hot, flustered even, as your eyes begin to water.

With all of your might you try to fight it but the feeling is overwhelmingly too strong. Still, you tell yourself that you are stronger than this; that you can fight this.

You are wrong.

Your palms get sweaty and begin to shake.

Tears pour from your eyes like the emotions you unintentionally kept bottled up for so long.

Your knees give out as you collapse to the floor, a prisoner of your own mind.

Just breathe, you tell yourself.

You are used to dealing with this by now. You draw slow, deep, meditative breaths.  Minutes pass and you stand up and attempt to shake the anxiety from your palms. You pace back and forth struggling to catch your breath and return your heartbeat to a normal rate. You wipe the tears from your face with one of your last deep exhales. Walking over to the mirror you look at yourself. Your eyelids are as blood shot as your eyes. Though a little red and swollen, you sigh a sigh of relief.

I'm okay. The worst is over now.

Your thoughts race to unscramble themselves. The residual anxiety will pass in due time. You will be okay. You always are. You give yourself no choice BUT to be okay.

You will not let this control you.

You will not let this consume you.

You will not let this scare you and 

You will not let this win.

You will not sit by and be a prisoner of your own mind.

You didn't choose to have this problem, but you do. You know how to handle it, so handle it. Cast out every ounce of negativity and doubt from your mind. Tell yourself that you ARE enough, because you are. You are NOT your disorder. Don't let it define you.

I don't.

~Tea

TBT: Walk To The Electric Chair

               

                I saw you Allen Ginsberg. With that rope tied

High and your vein pulsating out of your arm, shooting

Up “one last time” to make it all stop.

                I heard you cry in hysteria over your paranoid

Schizophrenic mother and how you were expelled from the

Czech Republic for your poem Howl.

                In my most heartfelt plea, I begged you, Allen Ginsberg,

To come and take a walk with me. Walk away from all your troubles

And find a new sense of euphoria.

                What thoughts I have that I would love to share with you

And get your opinion on. For I too have been to a supermarket in California

And it wasn’t all that clean.

                What roaches and mice twice the normal size

Scurrying all about the supermarket. Thoughts and ideas they remind me

Of the ones flowing through my heart.

                I wandered over to you and picked you off the floor,

Spat at your needle and drugs and dragged you away. Out we left to start

A new journey.

                We strode down the hallway going nowhere, saying nothing,

Acting as if each other didn’t even exist.

                Where are we going? Whom will we see? What shall we do

On this journey to the past?

                Will we walk to an alley where you will taunt the homeless?

Will we travel to a land where you are unknown?

                Will we move dreaming of the future and forgetting the past

Just as the past has forgotten us?

                I know you, Allen Ginsberg, walking step-in-step with myself,

As if we are one and the same.

                Are we? Maybe. Yes. No. Who is to tell? Only we know the truth

And the lies that make us whole.

Written: Feb 27, 2007

~Tea

Photo credit: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-79jWGuORXfU/UZt4ct3Al3I/AAAAAAAADew/EpU7ZaVIR2A/s1600/the-green-mile-50573d2808e92.jpg

Throwback Thursday Poem : Scared to Death of Death

Scared to Death of Death 

I’m scared to death
of death. For death
to occur, to the ones that I love
and the ones that I don’t.
Because even though I don’t love them,
someone else does.
I’m scared of the unknown,
the unexplored, the unashamed
the unforeseen, future that holds my existence.
I am an entity inside a temple
that poses as my body.
An outward shell, reflecting beauty in some eyes,
ugliness in others. A short, skinny, light skinned girl
with long hair, perky breasts and a small ass.
But this body does not represent me.
It does not represent the entity
that dwells within me
or my true beauty which resides deep inside.
I’m scared that nobody will see me
that nobody will really take the time
to know me, to show me, to grow with me
laugh, love, hurt, and cherish the
memories that are waiting to be made with me.
I’m scared to death, of death
fore if death were to come upon me tomorrow,
how, in your heart, would you. Remember. Me?
11:35pm 4/1/11

~Tea

On a personal note, it's my anniversary!

            “A year ago, would you have ever thought that you and V would be here? Both graduated from college, living on your own, you working full time and her full time in professional school; I’m really proud of you, of both of you.”

            Talking to my mom yesterday and hearing her say those words when I told her that today was my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend meant the world to me. I have always wanted to make my parents proud. I want them to be proud of not only who they have raised me to be, but the decisions I make with my life as well. While I know they may not have always been proud of all of my decisions in life, I’m blessed beyond words that they are proud and supportive in my decision to share my life with my wonderful girlfriend.

            They see what I see in her, a beautiful soul with an equally beautiful exterior. She is smart, funny, witty, passionate, creative, supportive, trusting, spiritual, driven, compassionate, and an all around good human being. She makes being in a relationship easy. I live 10 hours away from a good majority (95%) of my blood related family and yet I always feel at home with her. Even when we spend time with her parents, I still feel like I’m at home.

            It’s the way she looks at me with her bright, almond shaped eyes, shielded by her Ray Ban prescription glasses and the deepest, prettiest mahogany hue that captures my spirit. It’s the way that she touches me, so warm, soft, and lovingly, yet firm when she knows I just need to be held a little tighter that makes me melt in her arms. It’s the way that despite our differences, we always support each other no matter what (even if it means me, a die-hard Cowboys fan, wanting her silly Redskins to win so I can see her happy) that makes us work.

            Being with her has taught me that relationships don’t have to be tough. Relationships don’t have to be hard work. We both sacrifice for each other and we do so willingly. Each others happiness means equally as much to us as does our own. In the beginning we used to get into little arguments because I just wanted to do whatever made her happy and she wanted to do whatever made me happy so we could never decide on what to do or where to go. Now I can just look back on that and laugh.

            A year later, it’s almost like we can anticipate what the other person wants or needs. If she sees me sniffling she will get me vitamins and make me hot tea with honey to combat any sickness that is trying to come over me. If I see that she has had a long day at school, I make her lay on the couch and I cater to her every want and need. It doesn’t matter if I had a long day at work also, or if she is feeling a bit under the weather herself, we both want for the other person to be taken care of and happy. Sometimes that means taking care of the other person when you don’t feel 100% great yourself but we do it because we love each other.

            I feel like this past year has all just been such a whirlwind of excitement, and firsts, and progress, and growth, and maturity for both of us. We tried to keep a list of all of my firsts with her (going on a cruise, eating various types of sea food, going to her Alma matter, etc.) but it got too complicated after a while. Truth is there’s always going to be firsts in our lives; hell it’s our first anniversary today. But what matters more than saying “this was the first time” is the fact that I got to do all of these things with her. I can’t wait to see what new things we do in this coming year. As long as I have her by my side, I know I’m ready for anything.

~Tea

Random Prose: Wake Up

                                                                               THUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthump…I’m not sure which is louder; the beating of my heart or the sound of my feet crunching on the fallen leaves and branches beneath me. Running blindly through the woods in my backyard I silently cursed myself for buying a house out in the country side.

                No time to put myself down. I heard the sounds of many more feet chasing through the woods behind me. Should I try to find a bush or abandoned building to hide behind? I’m not even sure how far it is to reach anything like that or any type of civilization. I could be running all night and still not get anywhere.

                “You can’t run forever, Sweetheart. You might as well just give up now” called out an unfamiliar voice.

                “Come on now, baby. We promise not to hurt you too bad when we are through with you” yelled out another.

                Fuck! Now these assholes are taunting me. Thank goodness I have been training for a 5k run otherwise I would be out of luck right about now.

                My fingers, toes, and face are frozen from the cold night air. If it wasn’t for my internal body temperature maintaining its 98.6 degrees I’m pretty sure the air in my lungs would be frozen too. I’m tired. I want to stop running but I know that I cannot.

                Tonight’s events flood my mind: the banging on my front door, me calling 911, the men kicking my front door down just as I escape out the back patio doors, running into the woods, twisting and turning trying to lose them without giving them an edge to catch me. Who are these people? I don’t even know what they want. But whatever it is, I know that it’s nothing that I want to give to them.

                All of a sudden I see a light ahead of me. I get a second burst of speed and push myself to run faster than ever towards it. It hurts to breathe but I can’t worry about that right now. I’m almost free. There will be somebody there that can help me, I tell myself.

                OUCH! Somebody has me by the back of my neck right now. I’m flung face-first into the ground. I groan as I curl into fetal position and beg for the men to please not hurt me in between tears of terror.

                “Cheer up sweet tits. I can’t promise you that, but I can promise you that once we’re done with you, you’ll never forget us” One voice says.

                I close my eyes tightly and prepare for the worse. I almost wish I were dead. Then I remember that no matter what happens to me I can’t die. I still have a family to live for, a lover to live for, and myself to live for.

                “Hey, wake up baby!” one says, kicking my hands which are covering my face with his steel toe boots. I scream. I can hear my bones breaking but it’s so cold that I can’t feel the pain. I slowly lose consciousness to the sounds of several voices debating who will go first and belt buckles being undone. God help me, I think to myself as I take my last conscious breath. After that, I don’t remember what happened…

~Tea 

24 going into 2014!!

Loud music, drinks flowing, bodies moving, lights spinning, friends laughing, and memories being created; that is how I started my new year.

Usually I would just hang out with my old High School buddies, but not this year. This year's New Year festivities lasted 3 long, fun days in the heart of our Nation's Capital. Not a day went by without laughter and pure joy. The people, the places, the blunt rudeness followed by roaring laughter made this a new years I'm sure to never forget. 

I feel like I learned so much in those three days. I learned what "bust a bone" means, I learned how to hail a cab off of the street, I learned how to explain the DMV metro system to people, and more importantly I learned that there are still genuinely good people out there. I went to my first poetry reading, my friend performed her work for the first time (and was amazing), and I remembered how fun it was to just live in the moment and not always have to be "an adult". 

I haven't made any New Years resolutions yet. I'm not sure if I really want to. BUT I do plan on making a vision board in the near future. Just something to keep me inspired along this next year of growth and happiness. 

I feel good about this year. In 2013 I: graduated college, moved to the DMV, got my first "big girl job", fell in love with the most amazing woman ever, lost some friends, and made some really amazing, life long friends. Coming off of that, I know this year is just going to keep pushing me forward towards more success and happiness and I'm ready and open to all of it. 

I would add more pictures but this one just about sums up my New Years eve shenanigans in itself. Happy New Year! Let's make all of 2014 a blast. Turn down for what!

P.S Shoutout to my Beautiful Girlfriend, my fellow Mixed Mami, and my Jammin Jamaican Beauties for moments I will truly never forget. <3 ~Tea