Perhaps one of the earliest memories I have of myself is of me writing. My mother would draw out the letters of the alphabet with broken lines and I would trace over them. Seeing the excitement (that I now know was exaggerated) which spread across her face made me want to trace each letter a hundred more times until I could make them on my own. So I did. I would write any and everything.
I can remember wanting to re-write one of my favorite children’s books, Little House in the Big Woods, just because I loved to write. Looking back I see how crazy of an idea that was. Needless to say I never finished writing the entire thing.
I can attribute my love for writing to both of my parents. My mother wrote poetry growing up, and my father used to write songs/raps. Myself? I write it all. While writing poetry and songs have always been my favorite, I was introduced to screen play writing and writing fiction stories in college and found out that I actually really like those as well.
The reason why writing is so special to me is because while most people see me as a cheerful, always happy and perky person, I’m really not. I get sad, and hurt, and angry, and scared just like everyone else; I just don’t show it. I’ve always held my emotions in and let them come out through my writing.
Typically, I don’t like to react promptly when situations arise. Instead, I internalize every feeling that I have and put on a smile and keep my head held high. It’s through my personal journals that I can then write my thoughts out and try to make sense of them. When my mind is going a million miles per minute and the words are just flowing from heart to brain to pen to paper with no pausing in-between, it can be quite the catharsis.
People have always told me that I’m too passive in life. That I don’t speak my mind enough and I don’t stand up for myself, and they are right. I don’t. It’s not because I can’t or because I’m afraid to. It’s because I like to think about what I’m going to say before just blurting something random out. Writing affords me that.
When I’m talking to someone, I can’t just backspace what I said and say it over. I can’t delete a monologue and start all over like I can with a written document. Of course, there is the fact that then my thoughts are on paper and people can invade my privacy and read them and know my most personal thoughts and use them against me (which has been done to me a few times before), but oh well. There are some very sad, mean people in the world and there is nothing I can do to change that so why let them take away something that means so much to me? The answer is simple: I won’t.
My mom always told me “Don’t write down anything that you don’t want shared with the world”. I understand why she said that, but for me that is something I have always found hard.
I never show it, but I’m a very sensitive person. Which is perhaps why I always keep my emotions in; that way I can’t let people know that they hurt me or that they got to me. Does this backfire in my face? Hell yeah. There are times I should say how I feel that I don’t because I don’t want a confrontation to erupt and then I’m forced to speak my mind quickly and on the spot. Holding everything in and just writing it out usually helps me avoid those situations.
Now, I’m not saying that this is a great way to be, nor that I recommend it for anybody. This is just how I am, and my explanation for why I write. What’s yours?
~Tea
