Throwback Thursday Poem : Scared to Death of Death

Scared to Death of Death 

I’m scared to death
of death. For death
to occur, to the ones that I love
and the ones that I don’t.
Because even though I don’t love them,
someone else does.
I’m scared of the unknown,
the unexplored, the unashamed
the unforeseen, future that holds my existence.
I am an entity inside a temple
that poses as my body.
An outward shell, reflecting beauty in some eyes,
ugliness in others. A short, skinny, light skinned girl
with long hair, perky breasts and a small ass.
But this body does not represent me.
It does not represent the entity
that dwells within me
or my true beauty which resides deep inside.
I’m scared that nobody will see me
that nobody will really take the time
to know me, to show me, to grow with me
laugh, love, hurt, and cherish the
memories that are waiting to be made with me.
I’m scared to death, of death
fore if death were to come upon me tomorrow,
how, in your heart, would you. Remember. Me?
11:35pm 4/1/11

~Tea

On a personal note, it's my anniversary!

            “A year ago, would you have ever thought that you and V would be here? Both graduated from college, living on your own, you working full time and her full time in professional school; I’m really proud of you, of both of you.”

            Talking to my mom yesterday and hearing her say those words when I told her that today was my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend meant the world to me. I have always wanted to make my parents proud. I want them to be proud of not only who they have raised me to be, but the decisions I make with my life as well. While I know they may not have always been proud of all of my decisions in life, I’m blessed beyond words that they are proud and supportive in my decision to share my life with my wonderful girlfriend.

            They see what I see in her, a beautiful soul with an equally beautiful exterior. She is smart, funny, witty, passionate, creative, supportive, trusting, spiritual, driven, compassionate, and an all around good human being. She makes being in a relationship easy. I live 10 hours away from a good majority (95%) of my blood related family and yet I always feel at home with her. Even when we spend time with her parents, I still feel like I’m at home.

            It’s the way she looks at me with her bright, almond shaped eyes, shielded by her Ray Ban prescription glasses and the deepest, prettiest mahogany hue that captures my spirit. It’s the way that she touches me, so warm, soft, and lovingly, yet firm when she knows I just need to be held a little tighter that makes me melt in her arms. It’s the way that despite our differences, we always support each other no matter what (even if it means me, a die-hard Cowboys fan, wanting her silly Redskins to win so I can see her happy) that makes us work.

            Being with her has taught me that relationships don’t have to be tough. Relationships don’t have to be hard work. We both sacrifice for each other and we do so willingly. Each others happiness means equally as much to us as does our own. In the beginning we used to get into little arguments because I just wanted to do whatever made her happy and she wanted to do whatever made me happy so we could never decide on what to do or where to go. Now I can just look back on that and laugh.

            A year later, it’s almost like we can anticipate what the other person wants or needs. If she sees me sniffling she will get me vitamins and make me hot tea with honey to combat any sickness that is trying to come over me. If I see that she has had a long day at school, I make her lay on the couch and I cater to her every want and need. It doesn’t matter if I had a long day at work also, or if she is feeling a bit under the weather herself, we both want for the other person to be taken care of and happy. Sometimes that means taking care of the other person when you don’t feel 100% great yourself but we do it because we love each other.

            I feel like this past year has all just been such a whirlwind of excitement, and firsts, and progress, and growth, and maturity for both of us. We tried to keep a list of all of my firsts with her (going on a cruise, eating various types of sea food, going to her Alma matter, etc.) but it got too complicated after a while. Truth is there’s always going to be firsts in our lives; hell it’s our first anniversary today. But what matters more than saying “this was the first time” is the fact that I got to do all of these things with her. I can’t wait to see what new things we do in this coming year. As long as I have her by my side, I know I’m ready for anything.

~Tea

Random Prose: Wake Up

                                                                               THUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthumpTHUMPthump…I’m not sure which is louder; the beating of my heart or the sound of my feet crunching on the fallen leaves and branches beneath me. Running blindly through the woods in my backyard I silently cursed myself for buying a house out in the country side.

                No time to put myself down. I heard the sounds of many more feet chasing through the woods behind me. Should I try to find a bush or abandoned building to hide behind? I’m not even sure how far it is to reach anything like that or any type of civilization. I could be running all night and still not get anywhere.

                “You can’t run forever, Sweetheart. You might as well just give up now” called out an unfamiliar voice.

                “Come on now, baby. We promise not to hurt you too bad when we are through with you” yelled out another.

                Fuck! Now these assholes are taunting me. Thank goodness I have been training for a 5k run otherwise I would be out of luck right about now.

                My fingers, toes, and face are frozen from the cold night air. If it wasn’t for my internal body temperature maintaining its 98.6 degrees I’m pretty sure the air in my lungs would be frozen too. I’m tired. I want to stop running but I know that I cannot.

                Tonight’s events flood my mind: the banging on my front door, me calling 911, the men kicking my front door down just as I escape out the back patio doors, running into the woods, twisting and turning trying to lose them without giving them an edge to catch me. Who are these people? I don’t even know what they want. But whatever it is, I know that it’s nothing that I want to give to them.

                All of a sudden I see a light ahead of me. I get a second burst of speed and push myself to run faster than ever towards it. It hurts to breathe but I can’t worry about that right now. I’m almost free. There will be somebody there that can help me, I tell myself.

                OUCH! Somebody has me by the back of my neck right now. I’m flung face-first into the ground. I groan as I curl into fetal position and beg for the men to please not hurt me in between tears of terror.

                “Cheer up sweet tits. I can’t promise you that, but I can promise you that once we’re done with you, you’ll never forget us” One voice says.

                I close my eyes tightly and prepare for the worse. I almost wish I were dead. Then I remember that no matter what happens to me I can’t die. I still have a family to live for, a lover to live for, and myself to live for.

                “Hey, wake up baby!” one says, kicking my hands which are covering my face with his steel toe boots. I scream. I can hear my bones breaking but it’s so cold that I can’t feel the pain. I slowly lose consciousness to the sounds of several voices debating who will go first and belt buckles being undone. God help me, I think to myself as I take my last conscious breath. After that, I don’t remember what happened…

~Tea